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Pacific Voices Talk Story, Vol. 4
"Accent on Confidence Required" with Soledad C. Santos
Business Instructor, Evergreen Valley College, San Jose, CA
Speaking on "eye-contact" . . .
Soledad: As a teacher, I need to give respect, if I’m going to demand respect.
It can’t be one-sided. I also want to learn from my students. For example,
according to my Asian students, the reason they don’t give eye-contact is
that it’s a sign of disrespect. It’s even worse when you look directly at your
elders. So if they’re looking away from you, it’s actually okay! Now, how do
they deal with that conditioning in the business world? This is what I tell
them: ‘You are living in America, in the United States. Granted we need to
learn to work with each other, but eye-contact here shows confidence, that
you are sure of yourself, you know what you’re talking about, you feel good
about yourself! So learn to give eye-contact in business. In your personal life,
you don’t have to do it, but even personally, when you’re looking at someone
directly, it’s actually a good thing!’ They tell me, ‘But Mrs. Santos, if you grew
up not giving eye-contact, it’s very hard to change.’ Yes, it is, but let’s say, two
of you are being interviewed with very similar qualifications. One of you
gives eye-contact and the other person doesn’t. Who do you think will be
picked for the job? Of course, the one with the eye-contact.
Tui: What does it take to learn this … practice?
Soledad: Yes, practice, standing in front of the mirror. I also demonstrate
to them how they look when they’re walking in the hallways. I ask, ‘Why
are you staring at the ground? Stand up straight and walk with confidence!
Do that. When someone’s walking toward you that you don’t know, one
day, just say, “Good morning!” I bet you’re going to get a response.’ When
I observe the students, their body language is almost inward, nothing out
there. In elementary school, my daughter would come home crying because
she was teased at school and didn’t want to go back. I’d tell her, ‘No, you’re
going to turn around and hold your head up high and say, “I am Marisa.
I’m a smart and strong girl!” And you’re going to face them.’ That’s survival.
We didn’t learn that in Guam. In Guam, we’re comfortable in this ‘box.’ We
know the people around us, so we don’t need to worry or be concerned with
making it through the day. But here, we do. We are surrounded by different
types of people who don’t look like us or act like us. So we need to learn
how to cope. The way to do that is with confidence.
Tui: Oh! So eye-contact is a coping skill?
Soledad: Yes, it is! If I didn’t act with confidence, how am I going to get
through the day? I can’t. So that’s why directness for an Islander is good. It
actually shows that you’ve come out of the ‘shell.’ It shows that you can do
it! You can push forward!
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